zed shaw: the new coke?

Well, recently I had some fun at the expense of an unemployed(able?) person, I have to admit, it was a wrong thing to do, I don’t know why I did it, oh yeah, actually, I do remember….


thats right, it’s true, you can read it on the interwebs to know it’s true or not, don’t just take my word for it, he is literally talking out of his ass, 24/7 and I actually got onto his blog, I don’t know whats worse, knowing he exists, or knowing that literally thous..tens of people will swamp over my little blog and throw plastic penises at me.

It all started many years ago, when zed committed career suicide, hilarious as it was, it was a good time, a period of happiness for everyone, over the following period of time, I noticed his name again and again, always saying something retarded and very stupid, or at least, repeating something someone else said, but in a stupid manner, therefore making everyone miss the point of what he was actually trying to say and concentrate on his asshole instead.

I am sure that deep down, zed wants to be loved, or at least, he wants to be recognised, we all do.  The problem for zed is that not many people like him and it hurts his options for future happiness.  Normally, I would recognise such a person as a worthy programmer looking for glory, we have to admit it, we all are that person, all the programmers who read this, wants to create something that everyone will look up to and recognise the intelligence held inside the creator and repeat to their friends, creating a world of opportunity for said person.

Now, before we begin, I just wanna point out, that I have no personal beef with zed, it’s his mouth I have beef with, most of what he says is harmless fun and I reckon he’s a megalolcow, I appreciate some of the things he has said, I want to say that now, because I don’t want people to think I’m hating JUST BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.  I have my reasons and although he’ll act like a bitch the rest of his life and never really understand my point, I have to say it, just because honesty is the best policy.

I also want to point out, that on my blog, freedom of speech is paramount, even if that speech hurts me, if it causes a great deal of hurt, maybe I’ll spam your comment, but I allow you to rant and rage as much as you like.  Unlike zed, who isn’t interested in the opinions of others.

Captura de pantalla 2010-05-18 a las 16.16.08
I like your thinking!!

Perhaps thats the first clue to the puzzle.

He recently ranted a little bit incoherently about my acheivements and said I’m in the bottom 20% blah blah, you can read it here:


basically, he likes to think he’s in the top 1% of the programmer group and I’m in the bottom 20%, his reasoning is because he only found 2 or 3 of my projects that I’ve not had time to fully create and properly structure, therefore, I must be a giant douche bag.

First observation: I am a giant douche 😀 I like it, it’s why I have fun in life and I don’t really care what some balding man with no future says.

so therefore, I decided to break apart again another one of his idiotic ramblings and dissect it online, with the ability to comment back if you disagree, on what I’m about to say.

first up, zed has a short memory

know, you probably read that sentence and thought, “Well shit Zed, that’s what you do asshole.” You’re right, but I restrict my ranty words to assholes I feel are hurting other people, and I can take it as good as I get it.

It seems obvious to most people that zed has a personality which loves himself as well as one whose primary purpose seems to be doing exactly what he says he doesn’t do, although it’s nice to know he can take as much as he gets.  big man.

oh and btw zed, I didnt “attempt” to troll you, I did troll you, the fact that you took the time to make a big deal out of it and post up your puny attempt to get your own back proves that, if I didn’t troll you, if it was water off a ducks back, you’d have just gone back to playing your guitar, right?  But you didn’t, you opened up your blog and fired away.

I would call that a mission successful.

The zed predicts the future.

Then I got bored. I mean, if you’re gonna troll a mother fucker at least do it right. I think I’d rather watch a homeless guy pound a steamer into a San Francisco sidewalk than play troll with a guy who has no grasp of the English language despite probably being British.

hey zed man, do you need some money? I can lend you some because I know you’re down on your luck and nobody really wants to employ you anymore, how does ten bucks sound? I want it back by friday though.  So in a very serious and real way, zed might actually BE THAT HOMELESS GUY pounding a great big steaming pile of turd into the san francisco sidewalk in the near future, I would love to see that btw, could you be such a great guy and whip out the mobile phone, take a video and youtube that fucker for me? could ya? thanks, I’ll give you another ten bucks, for real! shizzle!

Then zed surprises all of us by saying he doesnt know how to use wordpress “His blog barely works.” yeah, nice one mate, I’m sure you can google that one by yourself.

then he mentions an old forgotten project, which I still use, but havent had time to keep up the website, ESFTP, what zed didn’t take time to find out about, was that ESFTP has over 100,000 downloads and even people at AMD are using it (I had a support request with an amd.com email address).

Who uses eclipse? what, you couldn’t go and find that out on the net? millions of people use it you fucking moron.

Why did I create ESFTP? because in eclipse, it wasn’t possible to quickly and easily upload a file to a remote location, you had to navigate through about 10 screens to get to the point of uploading, I wanted to attach it to a shortcut and press three keys to upload a file, thats why people download the plugin, I’ll give you some stats from recent months.

Date (UTC) Rank Total Pages Downloads
7 May 2010 21,292 180 21
16 May 2010 21,191 92 3
15 May 2010 21,496 135 3
14 May 2010 21,422 170 10
13 May 2010 21,637 307 27
12 May 2010 22,210 334 18

So, when people say my shitty project which I created for my own benefit and decided to share in bad shape, with bugs, with errors, without unit tests, I think I am doing quite nicely thank you very much.

Are there any unit tests? nope! you know why, because unit tests are overrated, sure, they are necessary when you are providing a quality product for a client, but when you’re writing code for yourself, they are just wasted time.

He has blog posts bitching about Eclipse, so I’m pretty sure he’s a one trick Java pony

Zed, do you know how many people hit my blog looking for that information, eclipse is complex and sometimes fails, my technical writings about fixing those problems I found whilst using it, are very useful to lots of people, you can just look at the comments on those posts to find people thanking me for saving them serious time.

Even the project he seems to have nailed me on, is an outdated, deprecated project which has no website for a reason, it’s because, it was dropped, but apparently the empty directory is enough to secure my fate, this guy is a fucktard.

Then zed predicts the future again, although, not in the way he would probably appreciate

Reading through his blog you’d think he’s an incredibly good programmer making millions working for someone, and who knows maybe he is making shitloads of money, although I doubt it.

It just so happens, I am signing this week a project that has a projected €40,000 a month value, of which I will retrieve a 25% share of that into my own pocket, after taxes, like I said, if you need to borrow a dollar, I’ll give you one, no problems.  Can you imagine, €10,000 a month, in one year, €120,000.  Thats just my personal take home.  So I suppose you are right, I am, or will be, soon, making shitloads of money.  Well predicted!!!

Then zed is AGAIN showing us his ability to find the truth of the matter

Researching this guy, it got me thinking again about my theory of the internet creating the “rise of the twenty-percenter”.

Yes, you see zed, your theory is right, because, you are an example of it.  This guy is on the money! (although not literally) he’s banging it out left right and center.

As for your theory, I totally agree, I in fact would subscribe to the same view, the internet is full of people who actually can’t create anything, nor know how to create anything, it’s a hard fact of life that most programmers around me, are not competant, a company I used to work for has two of those same people.  I won’t mention the company name because google likes my blog too much and it finds too many things, I dont want to directly insult people.

NOTE: if you’re reading this and used to work with me, I would point out that you don’t actually know whether I’m talking about your company, or another company, so relax, chances are, if you know my blog, you’re NOT in the incompetant group.

I agree totally that the internet is full of morons who can’t code, or convince those around them that they can, I am working on a project now that looks like someone took one of those dumps on the street and pushed it through the CDROM tray of their computer and happened to find it’s way onto the net.

Zed’s main problem: misunderstanding

zed seems to think that I’m attacking his ability to create, whilst I don’t remember once talking about projects he’s been involved in (although on the net there is little evidence of that, perhaps he could clear that up by putting forward the projects he has personally completed), I am not attacking his work, I’m attacking the man, the fact is, that mongrel according to my peers is a great piece of software.  Lamson, whilst I think it’s not a very worthy project, apparently is well regarded, even if it is solving the wrong part of the problem.

No no, all those zed lovers will be happy to know, that technically, I think zed is competant, weird isn’t it and no, this isnt an attempt to say sorry, or kiss ass, I really do think zed is a penis shaped candy, but technically, I think zed has done ok.

The problem comes, is that zed’s brain is often not as quick as his mouth and before zed’s brain can analyse when he’s said, his mouth has already said it and it’s too late, thats why his ghetto rant was removed and replaced with an “almost” apologetically written entry instead, you can find it on the web archive or whatever, but history has shown us that zed can’t live in our world without our help because he has some kind of inability to shut his mouth before he makes everyone around him wonder why they employed the guy in the first place.

Zed’s other main problem: money

This inability to control his mouth led to his other problem, he is complaining that nobody wants to touch him, or employ him and he’s not given the respect he thinks he deserves.

The difference between myself and zed is, I can back up what I say, or at least apologise when I’m wrong, I will point out this blog article I wrote 1 year ago.


in that article, which I will point out that he hasn’t replied to, he completely destroys any stock he had by spouting trash that anyone with a brain can figure out, is rubbish, this is his main problem, he doesn’t understand enough to realise that what he is saying, isnt true, when you point it out, you become one of those assholes he likes to rail against (pun intended!)

fact is, his article which is linked to in my blog article, is full of bullshit, thats why I wrote what I did, because I’m sick of his bullshit spreading through the internet, like some giant plume of oil making ignorant whatever it touches.

So then, when it comes to that interview time, he is offered a junior sysadmin post at google, because thats ultimately what he is worth, he whilst being very technically capable, hasnt the control required to sit at a table with managers and deal, he has to rant, he has to open fire, he has to use that wing chun, because it’s what he is, uncontrollable.

If you’re uncontrollable, you’re usually unemployable.

My Achievements, the ones he missed

because zed’s research either didnt work, or he was too disappointed that I have actually done things, so it would undermine his argument, I will point out what I’ve done, so people can take a look.

Mostly I do webdev, because I like it, I use a designer, we both work together on projects and create really amazing works together.

1) last year, I worked at one of the top hotel reservation platforms on the net, based in barcelona

2) I created a single file implementation of Paypal due to their inability to spend some of those million dollar profits on ACTUAL documentation, or test implementations that don’t look like they hired an idiot to write.  this file install easily into your project, does paypal transactions and has no 500 file framework dependencies.

3) When I was 20-21, I created a plugin based graphics/game engine named fusion, which was about 36,000 lines of code, all C++, with heavy OOP and Dynamic library support. I know my shit.

4) I am, to date, according to my research, the only person on the planet, with a working file progress upload monitor working in pure PHP, without any flash/java/perl supports (I would actually love to hear of another implementation, because it’s strange, in 6 years, nobody has done it, yet when you’re uploading 500MB files, it’s absolutely critical)

5) I have created a widget system for websites, that allows you to split a site up and reuse it’s parts in other projects, along with the support framework that it needs in order to make web development easy and effective

6) I created ESFTP, which has I think over 100,000 downloads, even if you hate eclipse, or don’t see the point, or lament that it has no unit tests, I wrote it for myself and people at AMD have contacted me about using it, so I must be doing something right.

7) I am the manager of about 20 websites on the net, if you can’t find what those websites are, consider yourself one of the bottom 20%, I hope nobody reading this is one of those people

8) The reason I don’t update my websites so much and there are broken links, is easy to understand, I have too much work, I never have time to find everything and somethings lapse into obscurity, it’s a failure of mine, I work too much, live too little.

I can go on, but I won’t, zed either didn’t find out these things, or didn’t know where to look, I guess some people talk about the 20%, without realising, perhaps they are one of those people.  What is the old saying?

If you’re playing poker and you don’t know whose losing: it’s you.

Anti-Kareoke: The Unbelievable things you do when drinking

Hi guys!!!!

So, basically, I went to a friends birthday party and it was kareoke, I decided to sing Nirvana: Smells like teen spirit, which on the face of it, sounded like a great idea!! However, when drunk, lots of things sound like a great idea.

I found the writeup on the anti-kareoke website describing my performance, I hope you enjoy it (Sorry it’s in spanish, use google to translate it)

To explain myself, cause I didnt have much chance, I wasnt actually that drunk, yeah, actually, I was quite drunk, but I could stand up, when I wanted to sing, I knew the words, but standing at the stage, I forgot everything, then had to read the lyrics, but decided that in the face of not remembering the lyrics, I’d just be crazy, so then started to french kiss the baby and the use the guitar as a giant penis.  In fact, whilst I was on stage, I remember reading the lyrics and they were making me laugh, ahahha

then, when I remembered the lyrics, kind of, started to put things on my head and try to dance, when that didnt work, thrusting across the stage SOUNDED like a good idea at the time.

La actuación de un sujeto que atendía al nombre de Christopher y su colega, fue más caótica, aunque tuvo momentos muy cachondos.

(English): The performance of someone whose name is apparently christopher and his mate, was more chaotic, although there where very funny moments.

Kurt probablemente se revolvió en su tumba al escuchar lo que estos tipos hicieron con “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, pero desde luego no dejaron a nadie indiferente.

(English): Kurt would be probably spinning is his grave listening to who has done this to “Smells like teen spirit”, but no doubt, they didn’t left anyone indifferent.

Muy divertido el momento en el que Rachel apareció a medio tema, y utilizó al “guitarrista” como si fuese su potro personal, cabalgando sobre él por el escenario. Al finalizar, Rachel comentó: “Esta ha sido la actuación más alcoholica, cocainómana, heroinómana de la historia de Anti-Karaoke, y esto no es un cumplido. Pero no todo puede ser bueno!”.

(English): A very funny the bit when rachel appeared during the song and started to ride the guitarist as if it was her personal horse, riding on him around the stage. At the end rachel comented: “This has been the most alcoholic, cocainomaniac, and heroinomanic performance of the history of anti-karaoke. This is not a complement. But not everything can be good”

Now THATS A FUCKING PARTY!!!!  Then I go and find more pictures, Rachel, if you’re here, please take a copy of these pictures if you want them.  Thanks for letting me grab part of the page into my blog! MUA!!

AK - Getting Ready
Kiss the baby!!

I hope you had as much fun as I did!!

UPDATE!!!! I found these super awesome pictures on their website!!! HERE WE GO!!!